Denying Myself Chocolate

When I was a little kid, my mother read an article that said that, regardless of the type of food, 3500 calories equaled one pound. From this nugget of science she reasoned that sending my brother and I to school with a half a large bar of chocolate was the same as a packed lunch. So began my life-long chocolate addiction . . .

The school eventually figured out something was up, grabbed me and forced me to eat an apple in a teacher’s lounge while they called my mother up on the phone and informed them that a half a large Hershey bar wasn’t an optimal lunch. Me? I ate the stupid apple and asked for the rest of my chocolate bar back.

Anyway, through a mixture of exercise, not over-indulging in anything else (no smoking, alcohol, drugs, … bunny rabbits? I don’t know a lot about addiction, okay?) I managed to survive on a diet of about 30% chocolate calories for decades.

What’s changed? Well, nothing really. Chocolate’s a pretty fun drug as these things go. If I get anxious, I reach for some delicious low-rent milk chocolate and it takes the edge off. But eventually you hit a point where you think, “how long do I want to stay hooked on something that’s really not good for me?”

Last year I went off chocolate entirely for a month (which I hadn’t done in . . . ever?) then eased back in to just have it if I was out for dinner or something like that. Luckily, it wasn’t too traumatic. But these things can creep up again over time, and Christmas yields lots of chocolaty treats which I consumed at an ever-more-impressive rate as the season went on.

So, back to no chocolate again until my birthday at the end of January (not eat my wife’s Toblerone chocolate cake? Are you mad?) and then back to “if we’re out for dinner”.

Not a very exciting story, really, but, well, what did you think you’d get when you clicked on the link?


P.S. Please don’t tell me about how good rich dark chocolate is for you. Dark chocolate is a vile trick played on chocolate lovers by the demonic forces infesting those who consume things whose names are preceded by words like “artisinal” and “vegan”.

Recent Comments

  • Ashley Quinlin
    February 11, 2019 - 8:49 pm · Reply

    “….by the demonic forces infesting those who consume things whose names are preceded by words like “artisinal” and “vegan”.”
    hahaha! I like you.

    • decastell
      March 5, 2019 - 2:25 pm · Reply

      Good to know there are still civilized folk out there standing firm against such terrible flavours.

  • Che smith
    April 13, 2019 - 12:33 am · Reply

    I agree that dark chocolate is horrid. I’ve bitten into a bar of chocolate that I thought was milk chocolate but turned out to be dark. I will then proceed to spit it out.

    • decastell
      April 16, 2019 - 8:34 am · Reply

      I’ve had the same experience. And yet, still I can’t convince any government to outlaw dark chocolate. It’s a terribly dark world out there.

  • Peter Gumprecht
    May 5, 2019 - 10:16 am · Reply

    I am, sadly, your enemy in this. But, if you come to San Francisco, I will buy you a bar of L’Amourette English Toffee 72% Cacao and you may find yourself joining us on the dark side. Join us, we have toffee… mmmm.

    • decastell
      May 5, 2019 - 3:37 pm · Reply

      I’m not always opposed to dark chocolate. For example, if you melt it in a pot, add sugar and milk and then let it cool, the result can be surprisingly tolerable.

  • Linda
    July 5, 2019 - 11:35 am · Reply

    Not one to judge, as I learned to budget my milk money at age 8(!) to substitute chocolate milk and ice cream for regular milk. Here’s how I figure it – milk chocolate for you, dark for me. Thus is equilibrium maintained in the world.

    What happens if Reichis finds out about chocolate butter biscuits?!?

    • decastell
      July 5, 2019 - 5:16 pm · Reply

      Always in favour of a chocolate accord. Alas for Reichis, there’s no chocolate on the continent of Eldrasia.

  • David Thomas
    October 2, 2019 - 8:37 am · Reply

    The Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bar you love is 43% cocoa. Hershey’s Special Dark is 54% Cocoa. And the “heart healthy” chocolate, according to the demonic forces infesting those who consume things, is 60% or higher cocoa, i.e. bittersweet or Baker’s chocolate. 🙂 Like you, as a kid, I ate the Hershey’s Milk Chocolate and loved it! But now, as an adult, I have slipped over to the Dark Side and LOVE the Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate. 🙂 I buy the Miniature bars and allow myself 3 of them after supper or lunch and in a pinch, if I am cooking supper at the 11th hour, I will eat a miniature bar or two to tide me over.

    • decastell
      October 5, 2019 - 10:38 am · Reply

      I suppose those Hershey’s Special Dark are okay. I mean, if you were trapped on a desert island and there was nothing to eat but Hershey’s Special Dark or scorpion butts, then I’d give the Hershey’s a try.

  • Colette Yvonne
    October 4, 2019 - 7:48 pm · Reply

    I agree. Dark chocolate is indeed the Devil’s handiwork. Which leaves white chocolate the angel’s handiwork. Being has how I fall into neither belief, milk chocolate is the answer to all my worries, leaving me to an abundant stress free existence. Okay, maybe that’s a bit heavy……but milk chocolate has definitely soothed some crazy moments. Lov ya deCastell. P.S. Next trip to see Willie Wonka?

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